'My January divorce was the worst thing Iâve been through in my life'
January is a time for fresh starts and new beginnings for many of us - but it's also a month when many relationships come to an end, with peak divorce day on the horizon
The festive season fades, and as the fireworks fizzle out, January rings in as a period of fresh starts for many. Itâs a time when resolutions about healthier lifestyles take centre stage, but it's also marked by a less joyful occasion, known in legal circles as 'Divorce Day'.
The day signals the 'surge in break-ups' according to law firms, with enquiries rocketing between 25-50% during this month. Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice at Relate, confirms to us that this is indeed a busy time for relationship counsellors.
She said: "For many people, there are a lot of expectations around Christmas." She observes that for those in strained relationships or long-term ruts, the holidays often fall short of hopes, leading to January being a time for change. In relationships that are in difficulty or have been in a stalemate for years, Christmas then fails to deliver what was hoped for.
Karen Tomasi, who endured the breakdown of her 24-year marriage back in 2008, expressed her heartache: "I didnât know what to do with myself." Now aged 57, Karen adds: "It was really awful and probably the worst thing Iâve been through in my life. They say divorce is the second most traumatic life event â the first being the death of someone you love â and itâs so true.
Karen's relationship came to an end after 24 years"It was a dark time and I went through a very deep depression, because my marriage and kids were everything to me. I always put them above everything, so my world just crashed down." Karen, who found love at 17 and was stunned when her marriage unravelled, leaving her and her two children, then aged 10 and 20, reeling. Now a holistic break up and divorce coach, Karen reflects on how the festive season acted as a "catalyst" for her marital breakdown.
"There was a lot of friction, and we had this unresolved conflict," she shares. "Christmas itself really exacerbated and brought things to a head. Thereâs a lot of pressure and stress around this time of year, even though the festive season is meant to be a happy and joyful occasion."
Relate reveals that up to 70% of UK adults fret over Christmas stressing their relationships. And with households splashing out an average of £713 on holiday cheer, according to the Bank of England, the financial strain is palpable.
"January is associated with new opportunities and New Yearâs resolutions. Itâs often a time when people think, for example, âIn 2025, my life needs to be different to this. I canât do this any more. Iâm not prepared to do this any more. Iâve tried as hard as I can to have us make changes and nothingâs worked. I canât see any way out of this other than separation or divorce.â
Jennie ended her marriage after three decades"Thatâs a very simplistic version of what can often happen in January â there are other crunch points during the year when difficulties in relationships can be thrown into sharp focus.â
For Jennie Sutton, this was certainly the case. After three decades of marriage, the former NHS coach knew things needed to change after finding herself on a "different page" to her husband, with whom she shares four adult children.
âWith a new year approaching, I really wanted to choose my authenticity over the tradition we had created over 30 years of Christmases together," explains Jennie, 59. "It was tough but it was about listening to my gut rather than my logical brain, and just following through. The love Iâd had for my ex-husband had diminished.
"We had grown up together, and equally we had grown apart, and in the New Year of 2019, I couldnât see myself staying any longer. Even though I made the decision, it was still very painful. I was further down the grieving path than my ex-husband, because the news had just landed with him. The sense of relief I had was equally mixed up with fear."
Jennie opened up about the festive season being a time for reflection on relationships, saying: "Christmas and the New Year is such a milestone. Itâs a touchpoint of realising, do I want to continue this relationship for the next year? Do I want to be in this same position in a yearâs time? Is this a choice I want to make? Itâs the realisation that itâs either a yes or a no."
Relationship expert Ammanda weighed in, pointing out that while Karen and Jennie's marriages ended in divorce, splitting up isn't always the answer: "Some relationships do need to end," she acknowledges. "Itâs not about sticking relationships together. But sometimes, when things get so desperate and awful, people understandably jump to that, when it may be possible to do something to save the relationship."
'When I look back now, Iâm actually really grateful' 'Now I really love myself. Self-love is a new discovery for me'Post-separation, Karen sought the help of a life coach and gradually rebuilt her confidence, which led her to start her own venture (karentomasi.com) aimed at supporting others facing tough break-ups or divorces. Despite the end of her marriage, Karen reflects positively, sharing: "When I look back now, Iâm actually really grateful. Even though there was a lot of pain involved and a lot I didnât enjoy, Iâm really grateful because Iâve got two beautiful kids."
Despite her fears of separation and the stigma from her past, Jennie trusted her instincts â and she's found joy on the other side. "My daughter in particular really shone a light on our relationship," she shared. "Hearing it from her made me feel this was the right decision. She was the shining star who almost gave me consent from the childrenâs point of view by saying, âMum, do this because itâs better for you,â" Jennie explained - now a divorce coach (untyingtheknot.me) Jennie assists others through the complex journey of separation.
"Finding my purpose, my raison dâeÌtre, has been overwhelming," she confessed. "I didnât particularly like myself when I was married. I liked aspects of myself, but they felt compromised. Now I really love myself. Self-love is a new discovery for me."
Jennie also expressed contentment with her independence: "I enjoy my own company. I enjoy my social life. I enjoy good friendships. Iâm not in a relationship â I choose not to be because I really enjoy my own company and mixing with people. I just love my life, full stop."
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