'People often donât realize how loaded that question is': A heartbreaking Reddit post reveals why we need to stop asking people when they are having kids
"When are you having kids?" might be small talk to you, but for others, itâ??s a wound. This Reddit story explains why this question is too personal.
The question, âWhen are you having kids?â might seem harmless or even lighthearted to some, but for others, itâs an emotional minefield. A recent Reddit post sheds light on the hidden pain this question can cause, making a compelling case for why itâs time to let it go for good.
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The post comes from a 28-year-old newlywed who was bombarded with the question, particularly by acquaintances and coworkers. At first, our OP (original poster) handled it with grace and humor, offering polite deflections like, âWell, we should probably go on our honeymoon first.â But as she and her spouse began trying to conceive, the question became harder to dodge, and more painful to hear.
"When are you gonna have kids?"byu/audeamus-ad-meliora intraumatizeThemBackUnfortunately, the unthinkable happenedâthey lost their first pregnancy. The grief was overwhelming. She had to call out of work at 3 a.m. on the way to the emergency room, leaving her colleagues aware something serious had occurred. But just two weeks later, she was asked, twice in one day, when she planned to have a baby.
It was too much, and she broke. Her response? âMaybe when I stop grieving the one I just lost.â It was raw, honest, and deeply personal. And finally, it made the questions stop.
Itâs upsetting that âWhen are you having kids?â is still such a common question. On the surface, it might seem harmless, small talk meant to show interest in someoneâs life. But beneath that surface lies an avalanche of assumptions, like that everyone wants kids, can have kids, or is ready to talk about their family planning with whoever asks.
In reality, it isnât anyoneâs business. People could be facing infertility, financial struggles, health issues, or personal grief. They might not even want children, and thatâs valid too.
When we ask this question, weâre forcing people into an uncomfortable position where they either have to overshare deeply personal details or politely lie to avoid awkwardness. Neither feels good. As one user commented on OPâs post, âPeople often donât realize how loaded that question is. I hope you know how strong you are.â
For the Reddit poster, this question was a trigger that turned a private pain into a public confrontation. Sheâs not alone; issues involving having children are very common. For people whoâve experienced miscarriages, fertility struggles, or complications, this question feels like a spotlight on their most vulnerable moments.
Even for those who havenât experienced loss, the societal pressure to have children can feel crushing. Being constantly reminded that youâre âsupposedâ to want kids, or that your timeline doesnât match up with someone elseâs expectations, is exhausting.
What can we say instead? Honestly, almost anything else. Try asking about someoneâs hobbies, work, or their latest Netflix binge. âWhatâs been exciting in your life lately?â is a great alternative that leaves room for them to share what they want to share. Ask me what my favorite TV show from 2024 was and Iâll happily talk to you for hours about season 4 of From.
This Reddit post is a reminder that words matter. Questions that might seem harmless to us can carry emotional baggage for someone else. Itâs time to stop treating family planning as a casual conversation starter and start respecting peopleâs boundaries and their worth, with or without children. At the end of the day, nobody owes anyone an explanation for their life choices, and everyone has value, just as they are.
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