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âMy friend steals from family to fund her addictions - now she's lying to themâ
In this week's Lalalaletmeexplain column, Lala replies to a reader who is concerned that their friend's partner is a bad influence by enabling their drug use and funding their addictons
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In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping woman kind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, sheâs had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
Lalalaletmeexplain is here to answer your dilemmas each week (Image: Getty Images)Dear Lala,
My friend is 26 and is dating a 60 year old man. Theyâve been dating since she was 21. He doesnât work and she only has a part time job so they spend free time in the day drinking and doing drugs. She has a bad gambling, drug and likely alcohol addiction. She has stolen from family members to fund this habit. Her family sticks their head in the sand and pretends nothing is happening, I also know she lies to them about her actions.
Iâm worried for her wellbeing and safety and think this relationship is only worsening the problem, with him enabling drug use and funding the addictions. How can I help, especially if her family is blind to the problem? I donât want her âpartnerâ anywhere near my young child as I think the big age gap is questionable â especially as they met when she was 21.
Lala saysâ¦
Your friend sounds like sheâs in a really bad place and it must be incredibly hard to feel like youâre doing nothing whilst she continues to self-destruct. It must feel especially hard to feel like youâre the only person who is willing to do anything to help her. There are clear red flags within this relationship, not least the age gap. What was a 56 year old man doing going after a 21 year old in the first place? He has clearly exploited her naivety and vulnerabilities. Particularly as he is enabling her addictions and not helping her to get better.
Itâs not clear whether she had addiction issues before they got together, but he is clearly enabling her addictions now. He has created financial dependency, given her a place to live, and a space to fall into a toxic cycle of addictive behaviours. It sounds like he struggles with the same or similar addictions and so they are probably pretty bad for each other.
The problem is that there is very little that anyone can do to help her until she is ready to be helped. The nature of addiction means that even if she doesnât really want to be in that relationship, and even if drugs, alcohol, and gambling are harming her and making her feel awful, she will need to come to a point where she has reached her rock-bottom before she is likely to seek help and make the decision to change. This is hard enough to do as an individual addict, but if your relationship is also dependent on, and actively part of your habit, it makes it much harder, because you also have to wait for your partner to reach that point too. Or you have to be very comfortable with leaving them, but in a codependent relationship that can seem impossible. She is in a very difficult position.
Her family is clearly finding this difficult. It must be heartbreaking for them to witness their daughter/sister seemingly make choices that are killing her. It must be incredibly painful to know that your child is suffering with addiction in a potentially controlling and enabling relationship and to feel like you canât say anything in case you lose her. That is the reality of addiction, addicts lie, and manipulate, and steal, and sometimes they intentionally start arguments because it gives them an excuse to use. They are probably frightened of pushing her away and so it feels safer to say nothing because at least she will still keep coming back.
Have you tried talking to them about your concerns? It would be good to communicate with her family and to suggest that they (or yourself) contact an organisation like ADFAM. ADFAM provides support to the families and loved ones of gambling, drink, or drug addicts and can provide guidance on how to best help her, and yourselves. You care about your friend, and thatâs beautiful, but you cannot save her if she doesnât want to be saved. What you can do is let her know you see her, you care about her, and youâll be there if she ever wants to change things. You can let her know about organisations she can contact when she is ready, there is a good list of support services here.
The best thing you can do is to protect yourself and your child. It is sensible to set a boundary around his contact with your daughter, if your intuition even slightly tells you that someone might pose a risk to your child then that is more than enough to keep them away. And protect your emotional well being by realising your limitations, you can only do so much. Youâre an amazing friend for caring, but you canât fix this for her. Protect your peace, keep your child safe, and be there if and when sheâs ready to get out.
*Frank offers confidential advice about drugs and addiction (email frank@talktofrank.com, message 82111 or call 0300 123 6600) or the NHS has information about getting help.
*If you are struggling with alcohol abuse or addiction, advice and support can be found at alcoholchange.org.uk
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 — Cory Booker ends a more than 25-hour floor speech against Trump's actions, the longest in Senate history. %23corybooker){kind=logo}
