Asking Eric: I’m stuck in the middle of my divorced in-laws
In today's Asking Eric column, R. Eric Thomas responds to someone whose in-laws are communicating with them instead of their own son.
In today's Asking Eric column, R. Eric Thomas responds to someone whose in-laws are communicating with them instead of their own son.Canva stock image
Dear Eric: My husband’s parents are divorced.
In the last year or so (after being married to their son for nine years) my in-laws have started communicating with me instead of my husband to make plans. Example: My husband called his dad to make New Year’s plans. A few days later, my father-in-law texted me with the details about times to arrive and eat.
Neither my husband nor I like this. I find it overwhelming to deal with the planning of his family and mine, as well as all the other details for two kids. My husband feels left out of the loop and that they are treating him like an incompetent child.
There was not an incident or anything where my husband failed at making plans. What is the best way to communicate to each of my in-laws that they need to contact their son and not me?
– Communication Breakdown
Dear Communication: Your in-laws might see you as “the planner.” Maybe you reply to texts faster or are a whiz with the family calendar. It’s a gift that can become a curse, especially with divorced in-laws who aren’t coordinating schedules.
The easiest path forward is for your husband to address it directly. Indeed, the fact that your husband finds it as frustrating as you do, but you’re the one who reached out about it might indicate an area of opportunity here.
He has the power to get back into the proverbial loop by being even more proactive about guiding his parent’s habits and expectations. He can say to them, “[Your name] has a really full plate; I’m going to be handling family planning going forward.” This might take some gentle redirection before it sticks.
For instance, in the case of New Year’s plans, when you got the text from your father-in-law, you might have replied, “Can you send this to [husband]? He’s managing the plan.” It’s an extra step, yes. But the combination of your husband directly asking for what you both want and you reminding your in-laws of the best communication pathways should make future plans smoother for everyone.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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