I Finally Got Out of an Abusive Marriage. Now My Sister Is Posting All Over Facebook That “Divorce Is Not an Option.”
How could she?
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m recently divorced after 18 years of an abusive marriage and have two great boys. My very conservative sister and parents have accepted it, but I don’t feel supported. A few months ago, after knowing everything I’ve been through, my sister published a Marriage Advice Facebook post with “Divorce is Not an Option” as the last sentence, treating divorce like a failure. I was very hurt by this and forwarded the message to my mom. Her initial reaction was the same as mine, but later (most likely after speaking to my sister) she said it was only intended for married people struggling and had nothing to do with me. I was very upset and called my sister, telling her I was done with her. I have since apologized and expected her to as well, but I only got an “I’m sorry you feel that way.” They left me and my boys out of Thanksgiving, and I didn’t speak to my sister at Christmas. My mom likes to live in a fantasy world where everything has to be ok, but I want accountability and truth. Am I right to feel this way or am I just being overly sensitive about the divorce?
—Divorce Was the Only Option
Dear Only Option,
I don’t think you were wrong to be really hurt by your sister’s post. It was incredibly insensitive of her. Even if you weren’t her intended audience (and I find it hard to believe that she wrote it without thinking about you and your situation at all), you did see it, and she really should have apologized.
You told your sister you were “done with her” at one point. That’s a decision you’re well within your rights to make, of course. But it kind of sounds like maybe you do still want to keep these relationships, or at least try to mend them before you walk away. The key question, I think, is: What do you need—in terms of support, understanding, or just acceptance—in order to maintain your relationship with your sister and/or mom? Think about that, and decide—that’s the “truth” piece. As for accountability, that’s what you’ll be asking for when you clearly communicate those needs to your sister and your mom.
There is no question that you deserve your family’s support and understanding. You always have, even before you left your abusive ex. And it would obviously be better if they had offered these things freely, without you having to ask. But they don’t seem to get it, and so I think the best thing you can do—again, assuming you’re not ready to wash your hands of them—is let them know exactly what you need. I hope they choose to listen and respond accordingly.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My kid, “K,” was diagnosed a year ago at age 18 with narcolepsy on top of an existing diagnosis of depression. It was an enormous relief to have a treatment plan, and new meds helped tremendously once we found the right set about six months ago. This coincided with K’s departure for college. My whole goal for college was for K to go there and stay there.That happened. Yay! But when K was back for winter break, it was the same old pattern: They spent 90 percent of their time in bed either sleeping or gaming, just with a higher percentage of time actually awake. I’m still really fretting about K’s future, which I’m working on with a therapist. There doesn’t seem to be much more I can do when it comes to parenting at 19, so I either need to learn how not to fret, or figure out what I can do to help a barely functioning teen cope with the world. K makes it difficult; they resist being told what to do and just ignore me if I give gentler feedback. I’m the complete opposite, a get-out-there-and-do-stuff person, so I’m just baffled. Should I try harder to drag them out of bed, or just let it go as long as I can still support them through their college years?
—Let’s Go Sleepyhead
Dear Let’s Go,
I understand your concern; I’m just not sure what purpose dragging your kid out of bed would serve, given that you only have the ability to do so when they’re home during school vacations. I suppose one big question is: How did K’s first term go? I know that they got through it (already a victory, as you rightly noted!). Grades aren’t everything, but how were their grades? If they flunked or barely passed, that could be a sign that they weren’t doing well, and perhaps failed to make it to class or function ok at school—in which case, maybe more support or intervention would be useful. If they did well or even just average, ok, that’s another data point for you: Onward, etc.
Admittedly, I am more of a stay-at-home-with-a-book than a get-out-there-and-do-stuff person, but you must know that it’s super common for college kids to come home and just crash after finals? They have labored mightily in pursuit of their education, they’ve probably been sleep-deprived for most of the semester, and 9 out of 10 scientists agree that they need an obscene amount of sleep to begin to feel human again. You don’t have to like it, but that’s partly what winter break is for. The inactivity you’ve observed is even less shocking in your kid’s case, because they have actual diagnosed medical conditions contributing to their exhaustion.
You said that your child got the right combination of meds and got it together in time to go to college, which is great. Again, I do understand your worry, and I’m not saying they’ll never stand to benefit from additional support from you—or even a little kick in the rear. If you do have serious medical concerns, try to get them in to see a doctor. But if their conditions are still being relatively well managed and their first semester went alright, I think you can probably just keep supporting them from afar (and near, when they’re home on breaks). Make sure they have access to whatever medication, therapy, and other treatments they may need, and see how the second semester goes.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 7th-grader is very smart, loves to read, and is interested in many things. Middle school has been a tough adjustment for both of us. Our district uses software that allows me to see her grades in real time. When a teacher grades an assignment, I see it. I can easily see if she has a missing assignment. But my daughter never seems to look at it, nor does she seem to care much about her grades. She is constantly missing assignments and says she “forgot to turn them in.” When I ask what her plan is for completing them, she screams at me and starts crying. Sometimes she really did do the work and forgot to turn it in; sometimes she lies and says she did it, but it turns out she didn’t.
What should I do here? The girl is capable of high-90s grades if she did her homework and turned it in on time. As it is, she’s in the mid-80s and she doesn’t seem to care. She says all I care about are her grades because I’m constantly bugging her about this. Whenever I try to talk to her, she starts crying. Should I delete the app and let her deal with her own grades, and then when she doesn’t make the honor roll it’s on her? As a parent, I feel she still needs help and I should help her, but it’s making both of us crazy.
—Homework Is the Worst
Dear Homework Is the Worst,
Google Classroom and the other TWO (!) online platforms our school system uses are, collectively, the bane of my existence, so I definitely recommend minimizing the number of notifications you get about your kids’ daily work. You simply do not need to be notified every time an assignment is graded. It sounds like you’re compulsively checking this app multiple times a day, and I would stop if I were you; that way lies madness.
That said, you should be informed, and you may also need to be involved. There is some middle ground between “I sit here scowling as I watch you do all your work” and “I’m going to support you in learning how to better stay on top of your work.” It sounds like your daughter could really use some help keeping track of her assignments and following up when stuff is missing. Is this something you can realistically do for her in college, or at her future job? No. But it’s fine to help her with it now, and far from alarming that she can’t quite manage it 100 percent independently in seventh grade.
You probably know this, but your child’s ability to remember to complete and turn in all her work is not about her intelligence, or how “interested” she is in it. Being smart doesn’t mean you find it easy to stay organized. You do know that many, many smart people have ADHD? (I’m not trying to diagnose your kid, just making a point. Although, food for thought: girls with ADHD are often mis/underdiagnosed.) Your involvement in these years when she is still learning and in need of support in this area is not about helping her get certain grades. It’s an opportunity to help her learn to keep track of her responsibilities, hold herself accountable, and set and pursue her own goals.
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It could also be worth checking in with your daughter’s teachers—what have they noticed about her at school? Does she seem like she’s attentive and focused? Is she really understanding all the material? (Smart kids can struggle in certain areas, too.) Are there any ways they can work with both of you when it comes to the missing work? Perhaps they can verbally let her know when she’s missing something, as opposed to expecting her to rely solely on the app.
And speaking of the app: If you only use it as a way to check up on your kid and point out things she still has to turn in, that probably won’t help her much. I’d encourage her to login (with you, if that’s the only way it’s going to happen) to check and see for herself what’s missing. As you talk with her and try to support her in doing her work, don’t focus on the grades you think she should be making—she thinks that’s all you care about, and she will tune you out when you mention “high 90s.” Focus on the fact that you want to help her learn how to better manage her own tasks, something that will matter long after she’s done with algebra. The point is not that she has to get straight As, but that you and her teachers expect her to complete all her work and try her best.
—Nicole
How do I talk to my husband about his aggressive driving? This week he got into not one, but two fender-benders. He’s upset about the accidents but claims they’re just bad luck, given he’s never had an accident before. But the truth is, I absolutely loathe being in the car with him. I spend the entire drive staring fixedly out my passenger window because if I look out the windshield, I’m constantly worried that we’re about to rear-end someone.
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