Sabrina Carpenter wins prestigious Dads' Favourite Grammy
DONALD Trump is enjoying bullying other nations with tariffs, but heās also a selfish bastard who wonāt want to pay a cent more for things he uses. Sleep easy if your job depends on these exports.
Hair sprayĀ
Trump hasnāt had any hair disasters recently. That doesnāt mean heās suddenly developed a luxuriant mane, more probably that heās using f**kloads of hairspray. Thereās no way thereāll be any tariffs on the only grooming product preventing him looking like the weird ghoul-corpse thing from Tales from the Crypt.
Adult nappiesĀ
Babies, whether three months or adult, really get through these so Trump will want to keep his personal hygiene costs down. The stomach-turning rumours about Trumpās alleged nappy use date back to his days on The Apprentice, which raises the question: does Sir Alan Sugar wear them as well? Letās hope so, because heās an obnoxious wanker too.
Erectile dysfunction pillsĀ Ā
Itās best not to imagine Trumpās sex life in too much detail but if some form of sex occurs with some lucky lady, you can bet it involves boner pills. Heās safe with Viagra as itās an American product, but if a European pharma company comes up with a better version Donald will want it. If youāre now imagining him proudly displaying his engorged mushroom penis to some MAGA freak like Laura Loomer, apologies for that mental image.Ā
Golf ballsĀ
Golfers traditionally lose a lot of balls, and Trump is shit at it so he must lose loads. The cost of constantly replacing them must add up, so no tariffs. Obviously Trump is a pathological liar so his ineptitude doesnāt stop him making wild claims about his skills, such as playing 72 consecutive hole-in-ones, at which point his golf partner, Tiger Woods, said āGee, boss, I wish I had a fraction of your talent, you incredible impressive alpha male studā, or something equally plausible.
Trump-brandable merchandise tatĀ
Although most of this comes from, er, Americaās sworn enemy China, itās possible some niche items are churned out by UK firms. So in other words donāt worry about redundancy if the company you work for makes ultra-shit no-brand trainers, trading cards, or really cheap baseball caps that make your head itch.
European womenās fashionsĀ
Weāre not suggesting Trump likes to slip into womenās clothes, although he wouldnāt be the first Republican politician to be a massive hypocrite in his personal life. No, Melania loves expensive clothes and Trump has got to keep her sweet. If she ever chooses to spill the beans about their marriage, his habits in general, and their sex life, Trump is utterly, utterly screwed. And not in a literal sense.