Why Allison Holker Says Stephen "tWitch" Boss "Wasn't the Same" Mentally After Ayahuasca Trip - E! Online
Allison Holker says her late husband Stephen "tWitch" Boss after was "no longer joyful" after he embarked on an Ayahuasca trip.
Watch : Allison Holker Reveals Her "Intentions" in Sharing Stephen "tWitch" Boss' Struggles
Allison Holker is thinking about some moments from her final years with late husband Stephen âtWitchâ Boss differently now.
The 36-year-old elaborated on a passage from her new memoir This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light in which she considers the changes she saw in Stephenâwho died by suicide in December 2022 at the age of 40âafter he embarked on an Ayahuasca trip.
After host Jamie Kern Lima reads Allison's words back to herâthat he "wasn't the same" afterwards and was "no longer joyful or generous"âshe declared that the experience was "a very big turning point" for the Ellen DeGeneres Show star.
"I feel like his heart was never really in the same place when he came back," she reflected on the Feb. 4 episode of The Jamie Kern Lima Show. "He could still find joy and he could still go day-to-day putting on his face and getting through the days, but there was something missing in his eyes."
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Allison Holker Alleges Stephen âtWitchâ Boss âSpent Recklessly on Drugs,â Left $1 Million Tax Bill
The So You Think You Can Dance alumâwho shared kids Weslie, 16, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 5, with Stephenâadded that "it just kind of feels like he opened something up for himself, but he never fully healed and never fully escaped."
Allison also looked back on deep conversation that the coupleâwho was married for nine yearsâhad after reaching the peak of a picturesque hike together during a trip to Hawaii that she's reconsidering now.
Instagram / Allison Holker
"It was so beautiful, and we were having this big discussion about life, life and death and how beautiful it is," she recalled, "and how we don't believe that after you die that that's the end of everything. That you could cross into another life or that you could cross into another path or another future, and that you could find that love again in another lifetime."
"We had what I thought was this beautiful discussion about life after," Allison went on. "I was like, 'Wow, we're so deep!'"
Rodin Eckenroth/Getty Images
But, with some distance from the conversation following Stephen's death, the Hit The Floor alum is reframing how he spoke about such big concepts.
"Sometimes I look back on that discussion like, 'Wow, we really beautified death,'" she explained. "And he was never scared of death. He almost celebrated it in that moment."
"It kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies looking back on it, because parts of it are really beautiful," Allison continued, "but some of the things [and] the depth he would go and the thoughts that he had had...death had been on his mind. It almost felt like sometimes death was chasing him and he was learning to accept it."
Instagram/Allison Holker
The conversation led her to realize that Stephen's "thoughts and mind had been racing about" death "for some time."
Allison's revelations about her late husbandâincluding that he "spent recklessly" on drugs and left her with a $1 million tax bill after his deathâhaven't been without controversy, but the dancer has been resolute about her decision to share her side of the story, even if it paints a less rosy picture of the DJ's life.
"I will always celebrate Stephen," she shared. "I think he was a wonderful person, and I'm really sad what he went through, but I also have to be careful, because I cant celebrate so much of his choice."
"That's a really fine line I have to walk as a mother right now," Allison added, "because they are very hurt by their father's decision."
Keep reading for more about Allison and Stephen's family.
Instagram/Allison Holker
Homecoming
Allison posted a photo of daughter Weslie heading to her high school homecoming dance in October 2023.
TikTok / Allison Holker
Dance Return
Allison shared her first new dance video since Stephen's death, appearing in a TikTok with daughter Weslie in August 2023. The two danced to a remix of "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic.
Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images
Family Movie Night
Allison appeared with kids Weslie, Maddox and Zaia at the Los Angeles premiere of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse in May 2023.
Instagram / Stephen "tWitch" Boss
Thanksgiving 2022
"Thankful for family. Thankful for health. Thankful for love. Thankful for life," Stephen wrote on Instagram in November 2022. "Sending y'all so much love from our family to yours. #bossfamily #turkeyday."
Instagram / Allison Holker
Happy Halloween 2022
The family dressed up as the Addams Family.
Instagram / Stephen "tWitch" Boss
Father's Day 2022
"Happy Father's Day!!!!" Stephen wrote on Instagram in June 2022. "Being a father to these three incredible children has been the greatest gift and duty ever. Big love to all the fathers and father figures out there. I hope you are showered in love today!! #fathersday"
Instagram / Stephen "tWitch" Boss
Family Father's Day Photo
Stephen appeared with Allison, Weslie, Maddox and Zaia on Father's Day 2022.
Happy 6th Birthday Maddox
Stephen appeared with son Maddox in March on the child's 6th birthday in March 2022.
"Happy birthday son," he wrote on Instagram. "Can't believe this little prince Boss is already 6 years old. Where has the time gone. When did he get so tall? So smart? So capable and self reliant. Too quickly is the answer. But I couldn't be more proud of the light he continues to bring to the world. Also, how everyday he is teaching me to be a better father and manâŠâŠ.as I'm teaching him. It's a beautiful cycle."
YouTube/OFFICIAL BOSS FAM
Instagram / Stephen "tWitch" Boss
Family Dance 2021
The family members wore matching Children's Place holiday PJs and showcase their dance moves in September 2021.
Instagram / Stephen "tWitch" Boss
Happy Halloween 2021
Sunny day...
TikTok / Stephen "tWitch" Boss
Father-Son Dance 2021
Stephen danced with son Maddox.
TikTok / Stephen "tWitch" Boss
Family Dance
The two danced with their son Maddox in January 2021.
FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP via Getty Images
Movie Night 2020
The two appeared with their kids Weslie and Maddox at the premiere of Disney's Mulan reboot.
Instagram / Stephen "tWitch" Boss
Happy New Year 2020
On New Year's Eve 2019, Allison shared this photo of herself with Stephen and youngest kids Maddox and Zaia, and reflected on their love story.
"An incredible decade!!" she wrote on Instagram. "In this decade, Weslie and I moved to LA, I met Stephen and fell in love , we got married, we explored the world, we have amazing memories from our careers, I was able to create & grow with dance on SYTYCD, HIT THE FLOOR and DWTS. Hosted DISNEYS FAIRY TALE WEDDINGS. My favorite part was growing our family, having our beautiful children! #decade #newyearseve #funtolookback #life #love #experience #memories #newyork @sir_twitch_alot."
Instagram / Allison Holker
Bump and Grind
At 40 weeks pregnant and due to give birth to their daughter Zaia any day, Allison shared this video of herself dancing with Boss in November 2019.
Gregg DeGuire/FilmMagic
Movie Night 2019
The two appeared with their kids Weslie and Maddox at the premiere of Disney's Maleficent: Mistress Of Evil.
Axelle/Bauer-Griffin/FilmMagic
Movie Night 2018
The couple and their kids Weslie and Maddox attended the premiere of Disney's Ralph Breaks the Internet in Hollywood.
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